Idiots in the Chamber of Secrets
by creativepurpleglitter
Summary: Johnny sees a monster, but before he can tell his friends about it, he's petrified. The rest of the Idiots, closet Harry Potter nerds, have to figure it out by themselves. My first attempt at AI originality.


**A/N: Okay, so I started this at one in the morning. It doesn't make any sense, and it's probably awful. But I decided to write it anyway? Why? I thought it'd be pretty funny to see the Idiots freak out over **_**Harry Potter**_**. This idea is adapted from something my friend (Clare the Criminologist from The Rocky Horror Idiot Show) wrote last week about our group of friends. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**American Idiot**_**, **_**Harry Potter**_**, or the pictures I used to make my desktop background. I do, however, I think I own the order in which I arranged the images. **

JOHNNY: *has spazz attack* OH NO!

JIMMY: You just realized that SaintJesus _doesn't_ refer to the guy church is based on?

JOHNNY: … No.

JIMMY: Then what?

JOHNNY: I just saw a terrible monster!

TUNNY: Yeah, its name is Jimmy.

JIMMY: I will kill you in your sleep, bitch!

TUNNY: That really isn't helping the whole _monster_ case.

JOHNNY: Stop hating each other! This could be the last time we see each other alive!

WILL: Are you going to tell us what this monster is, or are you just going to wait until it kills us?

JOHNNY: Of course I'm going to tell you! We can't be separated again! If we die, who knows when we'll see each other again? *cries like a twelve-year-old girl*

WILL: You still haven't told us what it is.

JIMMY: Do you honestly think it matters? This is the guy who made me up so he could turn into an insensitive, heroin addict and have a scapegoat for it. Not like I, personally, I have a problem with that. I do have a problem with the fact that you actually think this monster is real.

WHATSERNAME: I believe Johnny over you, Jimmy.

JIMMY: That didn't make any sense! He's me. I'm him.

WHATSERNAME: Says you.

JIMMY: Says everyone _except_ you!

WHATSERNAME: Johnny, describe your monster for us.

JOHNNY: Oh, gladly. It was big, green, and it slith-

*falls down with a wimpy, scared look on his face*

TUNNY: Wow, did we make Jimmy feel like such shit that he had to kill Johnny to prove a point? If so, all that proved is that he's the monster.

JIMMY: No, you douche! I'm right here!

WILL: Right, because it's totally normal that Johnny's alter ego didn't die with him.

EXTRAORDINARY GIRL: Guys, I don't think that Johnny is dead.

TUNNY: *pokes him with crutch* He seems pretty dead to me.

EG: Think about it. Johnny said that the monster was big, green, and he started to say that it slithered. And then, randomly, his body shut down.

JIMMY: All that means is that he overdosed on the LSD I put in his Fruit Loops this morning.

WHATSERNAME: You put a hallucinogenic in my boyfriend's breakfast cereal?

JIMMY: Well, I didn't put it in his lunch cereal.

TUNNY: It still goes to show that Jimmy's the monster, no matter what he says.

EG: No, Tun, Jimmy's not the monster.

JIMMY: ZING! I am, after all, a saint.

THEO: (from JIMMY'S pants) That you are!

EG: The monster can only be the basilisk from _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_.

WILL: What? Not possible. Johnny's not a _Harry Potter_ nerd. He'd never go for something like that, and neither would I.

HEATHER: Oh, please, we all know that while I was busy taking care of our baby, you were drinking yourself into a stupor because Dumbledore died.

WILL: When did you even get here?

HEATHER: This is a creepy, continuous, fanfiction play. I never leave.

TUNNY: Well, that's creepy. But Will's right. This basilisk thing isn't the monster. Johnny wouldn't even understand the reference. I mean, I wouldn't if I wasn't with you, EG.

EG: Uh-huh. And I didn't find this in your pocket the other day. *takes out piece of paper*

WILL: What _is _that?

EG: A letter Tunny wrote to Hermione Granger when he was in high school. A bit old to be writing to someone who isn't real. Oh, look, Tun! You called her _extraordinary_! Should I feel slighted?

TUNNY: *yanks paper away* Okay, fine! So all three of us are closet _Harry Potter_ nerds and we don't doubt that it was the basilisk that went after Johnny.

EG: I appreciate the honesty. There's just one thing I don't get.

WILL: That is?

EG: The basilisk always goes after Mudbloods first, and I don't think Johnny would be considered one of those. He seems more like a half-blood to me.

TUNNY: It's just because of that one time he tried to inject mud into his veins! The basilisk remembered, and that's why it took him!

JIMMY: How did you know about that time we were watching _Chamber of Secrets_ and I inspired Johnny to shoot up mud?

TUNNY: That's classified.

WHATSERNAME: So, what do we do?

EG: Will, Tunny, what do we do?

WILL: We go find some mandrakes!

JIMMY: You mean like that singer?

WILL: Jimmy, stop playing it cool. We all know that was you crying uncontrollably when Snape said _always._

JIMMY: *sniffs* He… loved… Lily… so… much!

THEO: *pops out of JIMMY'S pants* Tissue, Saint?

JIMMY: Get lost.

THEO: Yes, Saint. *disappears*

WHATSERNAME: I'm the one who's really lost here. What's a mandrake?

TUNNY: It's an annoying, screeching plant whose cry is fatal to anyone who hears it. The draft of the mandrake is the only way we can get Johnny here unpetrified.

EG: You just quoted Hermione.

TUNNY: I quote Hermione all the time… mostly in my head.

JIMMY: Is it weird that I do that with Snape?

TUNNY: Yes.

EG: Where do we go to find mandrakes?

WILL: Well, when I wasn't drinking myself into a stupor, I learned how to plant them! They're in the random backyard that I have no clue how we acquired.

HEATHER: It's so comforting to know that the cry of a creepy plant meant more to you than the cry of your child.

WILL: Nobody Likes You, Heather.

HEATHER: No, I'm pretty sure Nobody Likes _You_, Will. We were all out without you having fun. You should know. You sang a whole, thirty-second song about it.

TUNNY: Do you know where we went?

WILL: No.

WHATSERNAME: We went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and had fun without you. We didn't take you because we couldn't get a plane ticket for the couch.

WILL: WHAT THE FUCK? Did you even get me a wand?

JIMMY: We bought this for you at the dollar store. *chucks black with white tips wand at him*

WILL: This is so depressing! *cries uncontrollably*

TUNNY: Hey, everyone, I just realized that as we were ruining Will's life, we appeared in front of the mandrakes.

JIMMY: They're hideous.

TUNNY: You know, without them, you lose your host.

JIMMY: I know! So get draft-making, goddammit!

*WILL and TUNNY make mandrake draft*

WHATSERNAME: Good! Now, let's go save Johnny. I'm tired of looking at his expression like this.

EG: It can't be that simple.

JIMMY: Bitch! You always have to complicate things!

EG: I'm just saying. If we don't kill the basilisk, it could petrify more people.

TUNNY: That's a great idea, except there's no Chamber of Secrets.

JIMMY: *sighs* Yes, there is. And the basilisk lives there.

WILL: *gasps like a fan girl* How do you know that?

JIMMY: Question not my plethora of knowledge!

WILL: Okay. Where is it?

JIMMY: We're standing on top of it.

WILL: UNREAL. UNREAL.

HEATHER: How do we get in?

JIMMY: *points at sign in the distance* See that sign?

HEATHER: The one that says, "Not the Entrance to the Chamber of Secrets"?

JIMMY: That's the one. Let's go.

TUNNY: Whoa, how is Johnny's petrified body following us?

EG: Really? You believe in Voldemort, and this part seems odd to you?

TUNNY: Well, yeah.

EG: I should have known.

*Everyone is inside.*

WILL: OH, SHIT!

HEATHER: What now?

WILL: I dropped the mandrake draft, and now we can't save Johnny!

JIMMY: I hate you, Will. Heather, let's start a club.

EG: Before anyone established a hate club against anyone, let's kill this basilisk. Do any of you nerds have the Sword of Gryffindor?

TUNNY: I do.

EG: HOW DID YOUWITHHOLD THIS FROM ME?

TUNNY: I thought you would laugh.

EG: False story. Tunny, stab the basilisk!

TUNNY: Any day of the week.

*BASILISK slithers by*

TUNNY: Remember this one, folks! *drives sword into it*

*BASILISK makes that weird, dying chicken noise.*

WILL: I don't know whether to be happy or sad because you just freaking murdered a piece of the _Harry Potter_ universe!

TUNNY: I have skills. It doesn't require two legs to stab a snake.

JIMMY: Obviously…

WILL: Snape reference!

EG: While it's great that the basilisk is dead, I still have some questions.

JIMMY: Oh, eww.

EG: First of all, Tunny, how the hell did you get the Sword of Gryffindor?

TUNNY: Oh, instead of getting a medal, I opted for the sword I saw somewhere. They thought I was delusional, but I knew it was the Sword of Gryffindor.

EG: That is dangerously attractive. Anyway, now that Will has dropped the mandrake draft, how are we supposed to save Johnny?

WILL: There's a problem other than that.

WHATSERNAME: Oh, holy fuck noodles…

WILL: Even if we unpetrify Johnny, there's no ladder out of here.

EG: *gasps* Oh, shit! Does anyone carry Fawkes in their pants or something?

TUNNY: No! What am I- a nerd?

EG: *ignores him* Then how are we supposed to get out of here?

TUNNY: Uh, hello? YOU CAN FLY.

EG: You were drugged! No one flew!

TUNNY: You're saying I can't fly, either?

WHATSERNAME: I think that's pretty obvious. If you could fly, you wouldn't need a fake leg.

JIMMY: What about Johnny?

EVERYONE ELSE: Mehhhh….

JIMMY: WHAT ABOUT JOHNNY?

WHATSERNAME: We just told you! It doesn't matter!

JIMMY: Well, I think it matters!

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: How did you Idiots get captured?

WILL: Is that Darren Criss?

TUNNY: Why would it be Darren Criss?

WILL: Because I love Darren Criss!

HEATHER: Shut up!

VOICE: I'm afraid I'm a bit British to be Darren Criss.

EG: Daniel Radcliffe?

VOICE: No, I'm not that imposter!

*WILL faints.*

TUNNY: Then that means…

EG: Harry freaking Potter is here to save us!

*HARRY and his FIREBOLT enter.*

HARRY: I came as soon as I heard the news.

EG: That I was trapped down here?

HARRY: No, that Johnny was petrified.

HEATHER: Yeah, you and Johnny _would_ be secret friends.

JIMMY: That's not even fucking fair! I _am _Johnny, and I didn't know we were secretly friends with Harry Potter!

TUNNY: You're probably secretly friends with a character that Johnny doesn't know about, like Auntie Muriel.

JIMMY: She doesn't like to be called Auntie unless you're related.

WHATSERNAME: Err, Mr. Potter, how are we supposed to unpetrify Johnny is this dumbass *kicks WILL, who's still passed out* dropped the mandrake draft?

HARRY: Well, I did invent a spell for it when I was studying to become an Auror.

JIMMY: Oh, please, do it now!

HARRY: Well, alright. _Unpetrify!_

HEATHER: Wow, Will probably could have done that with his stupid dollar store wand.

JOHNNY: OH MY GOSH! HARRY! YOU SAVED ME!

TUNNY: I killed the basilisk.

JOHNNY: That looks like window-washing next to the presence of Harry Potter!

JIMMY: Why didn't you tell me we knew him?

JOHNNY: I didn't think you needed to be told.

JIMMY: Well, I did. And as punishment, I'm not telling you about my secret friend.

JOHNNY: Theo?

TUNNY: It's Auntie Muriel.

JIMMY: I will use that sword against you, dick face.

HARRY: Um, alright then. So, who needs my help getting out of here?

JOHNNY: I call riding on the Firebolt first!

TUNNY: No way, war heroes first!

WHATSERNAME: Ladies first!

HEATHER: No, Will's still passed out on the ground.

*WILL wakes up.*

WILL: *points at TUNNY* Who are you?

TUNNY: Uh, I'm Tunny.

WILL: That's a strange name. Who am I?

TUNNY: You're Will.

HEATHER: Oh, this could be fun.

WILL: This is a quaint place. Do you live here?

TUNNY: No!

HARRY: Oh, well, this is all very familiar. I'll take one of you at a time on my Firebolt. I'll start with him. It looks as though he needs fresh air the most.

WHATSERNAME: *steadying WILL* C'mon, Will. You're gonna go take a ride with Harry Potter.

WILL: HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: That's me.

WILL: Amazing! This is just like magic!

**Fin**

**A/N: Oh, wow. This is nine pages in Word. And I wrote it so late at night… or early in the morning, depending upon how you look at it. So, was it an awful first AI attempt (I don't count my real first one, because it's a parody plot.)? Was it an acceptable one? Let me know! (: **


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